BACK TO WHERE IT STARTED

After almost two months of not writing here, I am back. I feel so blank right now. Especially with what has been happening in my life right now. Everything is just going downward spiral. It seems that whatever I do, it throws people off in some way or another. I never meant to do that to be honest. I feel that whatever effort I put in everything comes off as cocky to most people, which was never my intention at all. I've never felt this much rejection in my life before. Clearly no one trusts me anymore - or at least I think no one is. I'm just terrified that whatever I have right now will soon be lost because of all of these things. I'm terrified to go back to that place where I was months ago. I'm terrified to be back to where I started. I'm terrified to be judged by my wrong move. And most importantly, I'm terrified to lose you - And I never want that to happen. I know I just met you a month ago but I feel that it could work, we could work. I know I am not the perfect guy on the planet, no one is. I make mistakes, you make mistakes, and its fine. I love you for that. I love the fact that your'e not so perfect. I love the fact that you accept me for who I am. I love the fact that you're willing to stay when everyone else leaves. I love all the weird things you have done. I love the way you hold my arm so tight whenever we would cross streets. I  love your awkward and weird personality. I love you. I've never felt like this before. You're the reason why I love going to our org meetings. You're the reason why I am as inspired as I am now. You're the reason that gives me hope that I'll face my problems with ease. I feel the butterflies in my stomach grumbling happily whenever I'm with you. I don't notice anyone else when I'm with you. I could spend my whole day just thinking about you and everything you do. I know its cliche and all but yes, that how I feel right now and I do hope that you feel that too, maybe not right now but someday. I hope. 

Love always,
Shaun.

TODAY IS JUST ANY OTHER DAY

Well, today is my birthday and to be honest, It doesn't feel like it. Before my birthday used to be a very very special day for me. Not only because I got to live another year but also I got to spend my year with such amazing people around me. Now things have clearly changed. No one around me cared if  its my special day. Nobody even got me a present (not that I was expecting or anything but I am grateful if somebody does) and it doesn't even require to be a physical present. A sincere act of kindness will suffice but nothing really came. And it sucks not to have one. But hey, you can't have everything you want. And clearly I don't have everything that I wanted.

Love always,
Shaun.

LAST DITCH EFFORT

Well, today was a horrible day. It started with having breakfast by myself. No one to talked to, No one to share tables with. I saw a couple of familiar faces in the fast food chain I was eating in but never bothered to even offer their free seat. So I started eating my food on my own. I got in time for first class. As a new semester has started, the introduction of oneself is always gonna be a part of it. So the introduction was over then came the second class. Then a 10-minute break to transfer to a different room. I passed by my "friends" along the hall. As I was thinking of a last ditch effort to give myself another chance of just forgiving them and forgetting about what happened yesterday, they gave me the look like I was some disgusting person. I guess I am officially out of the "GROUP". Meanwhile, Its gonna be my birthday tomorrow and as much as I want to be optimistic about it, my surrounding just won't let it be. This Birthday will surely suck.

Love always,
Shaun.

NEW HOPES

Now, its the second day of my class. I do not want to enter again into a room rushing towards a vacant seat and people looking at you as if you killed someone. I got to meet most  of my blockmates for this term because our oralcom professor asked us to. There was quite a mix of different personalties in our block. Some were shy and timid, others were loud and friendly and there were quiet but smart ones. I can't wait to befriend them all. I guess socializing was my thing. Goodluck to me I suppose.

Love always,
Shaun.

NO BREAKS, NO MATES

My schedule for this term wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. All week long, there was no rooms for lunch breaks or siestas but 10 minutes just enough to transfer from classroom to classroom. Today I realized that its okay to not have any breaks cause I found myself left alone by people whom I treated as my friends. Real Friends to be exact. But all that I got to experience was being left alone in mid air not caring about you like you're not even existing. I never thought they could do this to me, I treated them like I cared about nobody else. Among all of them, chin and jaiun might be the only ones who really cared about me. They were the only ones who never did degraded my personality. Yeah, they may say jokes about me but i'm pretty sure they were not as serious about it as the others do.

Love always,
Shaun.

EVERYTHING WAS A BLUR

Today was the first day of my third term as a college student. I became stoked from the day before expecting that my first day will be a blast to a point that I never got to sleep. But I was wrong. After arriving late to my first class because of transportation issues, seeing my terror professor again in elemstat, and after spending the day with no one, everything wasn't going as I expected it to be. My "friends" gave me a cold shoulder. A really cold one. Nobody from the group even tried to communicate with me. Well, except from the time we got in an elevator together and chin decided to break the silence by asking how I was. So I replied "its fine" but to be honest, it wasn't. Good thing I reached my destination right after I answered so it completely saved me from another awkward question which I barely wanted to answer. Everything that happened today was such a blur to me. I honestly don't even know what happened over the 2-week holiday vacation that led to this.

Love always,
Shaun.